I took myself out on a date tonight.
Yes, I was very reluctant at first. Though the funny thing is, I
actually do enjoy the pleasure of my own company. Yet, despite
several extended periods of independent domestic and international
travel and my even longer stints of singledom, I have never once
taken myself out to dinner. And when I say “out” I mean to an
actual sit down, bonifide restaurant. It just seemed a bit, well,
uncomfortable to say the least. Yes, definitely weird, awkward, and
completely out of my comfort zone.
Ah, heck. I was craving Mexican.
Before I knew it, I had talked myself
in to saying yes to my own dinner invitation. I walked into Casa
Mexicana, arm in arm with ME. “How many?” the cute brown eyed
waiter asks, his question tinted with an authentic Mexican accent.
“Just one,” I respond brightly. Wait a second. Back. The truck.
Up. Did I really answer “just one?” Ugh. Two simple words that
when spoken together sound pretty depressing, even to me. Remind me
why I decided to do this? Too late now with a menu in hand and seated
in my booth - just me. *sigh*
I order a water with lemon to start –
my usual. What must the server be thinking of me, ordering dinner
alone? Well, at least I can cling to the fact that I'm not drinking
away my sorrows as a single woman...alone...10 days before
Valentine's Day. My, my, but that waiter really is cute.
As if I'm already not uncomfortable
enough, I challenge myself to set my smart phone aside. Earlier in
the day, I read an excerpt from a book which discussed the importance
of cultivating solitude. Apparently, it inspired me. The book uses
Dr. James Hollis' definition of solitude as “that psychic state
wherein one is wholly present to oneself.” How often in our busy
lives do people take the time to just be? Never mind the fact that we
have a million things to check off our “To Do” list, but what
about actually taking the risk to just sit and marinate in our own
silence? To listen to our own thoughts? Holy shit. That is waaay too
scary. It's no wonder so many people sprint in the opposite direction
when they hear the word “meditation.” You've got to be kidding
me.
Right?
Well, as a seasoned yogi and a newbie
meditator, I have had a lot of practice listening to my thoughts –
or rather, attempting to hush them up, even if for only 30 seconds.
Sometimes, it works. Most of the time, my brain just continues to
buzz. But, I've also learned to be gentle with myself. To bring my
attention back to my breath. And that helps.
It's challenging enough to watch your
thoughts float by during meditation and yoga, when you are surrounded
by umpteen other yogis on their mats breathing deeply and attempting
to do the same exact thing. Now instead, try sitting in a bustling
restaurant, Pandora steaming Mexican fiesta songs over the
loudspeaker, with nothing but a cute waiter's smile for company. Give
me my yoga mat any day. At least then I can shut my eyes and pretend,
if nothing else, that I am meditating, even if my mind is still going
a mile a minute.
I eat from my sizzling hot-plate of
veggie fajitas. I'm not really even sure where to look while I chew.
It must look odd if I just stare straight ahead. Ooo, that's a lovely
painting on the wall. Ahh, that's another lovely painting on the
wall... Crunch, munch - chew, chew, chew.
I can't help it. I check the time on my
phone. It's been 38 minutes. I see that I have a missed text, from
who knows who. I resist unlocking my phone to check the message. 39
minutes.
My mind drifts back to the excerpt I
read earlier. I recall reading a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that
that author cites. I pull the book out of my bag to read it once
more.
“It is easy in the world to live
after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after one's
own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps
with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”
Amen, Ralph. A-men.
The truth is that is takes a lot of
courage to be alone. How many times have we dove head first into a
relationship with someone we very well knew was wrong for us because
we were afraid to be alone? How long have we allowed fear to chain us
in relationships long after they have fulfilled their purpose? It is
only with compassion and love for ourselves that we gather the
courage to simply be with what is, even if that means asking yourself
out on a date to sit in the comfort (or discomfort) of your own
company.
As the time ticked on, I began to relax
more and truly enjoy myself. I pushed away what would be tomorrow's
leftovers and pulled out my journal. My journal – a precious
collection of thoughts, prayers, rants, questions, answers, hopes and
dreams. My medium of choice where I invite myself to record my
feelings on paper. I've poured out my heart and soul on those pages -
completely raw and wholly vulnerable – to only myself and God. Why
do I do this? Because, I have learned how deeply I must trust in
myself. I must trust in the universal knowledge that I am exactly
where I need to be, right here, right now, on this journey called
life.
The waitress interrupts my writing
reverie. “Will that be all?” she inquires politely. “Actually,
no,” I say, “I'm going for it. The fried ice cream, please.”
This is a special evening, after all.
While I can't honestly admit that I'm
thrilled to be single, I am okay with it because I am okay with ME. I
am open to loving myself fully and completely and appreciate this
sacred time in my life of reflection and solitude. And, I look
forward to treating myself once in a while. For now, life really is
sweet - even being “just one.”
